The Landscape Gardener's Song

(Music by Arthur Sullivan. Original lyrics by W.S. Gilbert. Parody lyrics by The Judge © 2003)

"I am the very model of a modern landscape gardener.
I'll beautify your land for you if you will only pardon a
Degree of dislocation, for I need a lot of latitude.
Your plot has capabilities, if you'll excuse the platitude.
I'll sculpt your lawns so smoothly, whether you prefer to plough or mow,
I'll make your grotty backyard look like something from a flower show.
Or you may prefer organic, for to let God's little creatures grow;
And as they're trendy, I can show you where the water features go.
I can put up great big fences for to keep your dog and cat inside,
Or a makeover surprise to keep your crabby missus satisfied;
And when she sees it, if she faints, I beg you not be hard on her,
For I am the very model of a modern landscape gardener!"