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Date: 01/07/06

It's Meme, Meme, Meme All The Time With Some People...

I don't usually do these, but I'm bored. I got it from Joe Gordon at The Woolamaloo Gazette, who got it from...well, let's just say that it's been around the houses a bit.

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?

No, but I nearly got arrested once during a demo against Prince Big-Ears and Princess Clothes-Horse in Swansea in 1981. An acquaintance got arrested, and I nearly joined him in the van for pointing out that South Wales Police contained an unusually high proportion of petty-minded twits. I think the Official Secrets Act came in to play here.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?

I've never been on one. If I ever did, I hope that I'd been concentrating on keeping various other parts of me closed rather than my eyes.

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?

If you mean on snow, then probably about 35 years ago ("We 'ad proper winters in them days!"). Do you count sliding down a long, grassy slope on a sheet of cardboard? If so, I would think it would have been about 34 years ago...

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?

This is a loaded question, isn't it? You're not doing some sort of social research, are you? Well, OK. Alone. This means I don't have to worry about kicking A.N. Other, and I can fart when I please.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?

No. I have a theory, though. It's that apparitions like that are manifestations of those places where the boundary between this universe and the next one is particularly thin. That's why we see them. I wonder what they take us for.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?

Of course! Why shouldn't I flatter myself occasionally? Trouble is, I have no stamina and a very short attention span. This makes writing a blog the ideal format.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?

His actions seem bizarre looked at in any other way, but then he mustn't have. After all, he was acquitted by the best justice system that money and celebrity can buy.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?

I don't watch movies. So, although I've heard of these ladies, I have no clear idea of what they look like.

9. Do you stay friends with your ex's?

Yes, although Qs and Zs are worth more. By the way, you don't apostrophise a plural, dickhead!

10. Do you know how to play poker?

No. Existence is a gamble: why waste time with card games?

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

I think the nearest I got to this was 40 hours. It was when I was going out to the far west of Ireland for a language course in 1984. I woke up at home at 9.00am on the Thursday, got ready, went for the train to Holyhead, got on the boat there, had breakfast in Dublin with the family of a man I'd met on the boat, went for the train to Galway, then caught the bus to An Cheathrú Rua, and spent the evening with the family I was staying with. I got to sleep about 1.00am on Saturday morning.

12. What's your favourite commercial?

I dislike commercial television, the more so with each passing day. I regard the advertising industry and all those in it with only slightly more compassion than I regard infanticides. It wouldn't be so bad if they all didn't try to come across as being so creative. They're just prostitutes.

Having said that, there was a commercial in the late 80s for a brand of cassette tape, which played with the idea of mishearing the lyrics of Desmond Dekker's Israelites. For many, that song will always be known as Me Ears Are Alight as a result. OK, that's prostituting of another sort, but amusing nonetheless.

13. What are you allergic to?

I've had bad reactions to ibuprofen, and am a bit wary of seafood. Other than that, nothing. Oh, hang on a mo': yes, aerosols ("Well! I only asked!"). To be precise, perfumes. If I'm anywhere near someone who has a strong perfume, I get symptoms akin to hay fever. Which is odd, because I don't suffer from hay fever...

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around, do you run red lights?

I don't drive, but I'd be unhappy being a passenger of someone who would do this. You never know...

15. Do you have a secret that no-one knows but you?

Hang on! How could I know this? It would be a bit silly to go around asking people, "Do you know this about me?" I mean, if I told them, it wouldn't be a secret anymore, would it? It certainly wouldn't be the sort you're talking about, anyway.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?

Red Sox, every time. I hate the powerful, the arrogant and the overweening. The Yankees are the Manchester United of baseball. No more need be said.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?

No. There are almost certainly more interesting ways of ending up in traction.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?

Not as often as I'd like. Even the most interesting or striking of them go from my memory by lunchtime.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?

Probably listening to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?

Yes thanks.

21. What's the one thing on your mind right now?

Can I finish this post and have a bath before the thunderstorms that they've promised us arrive?

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass barbie is?

Are they making plastic rappers now?

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?

Not when I'm in bed, no; that would be silly. Or even kinky.

24. What cell service do you use?

Group 4.

Actually, I detest mobile phones (see this Rant).

25. Do you like sushi?

Never tried it. I tend to distrust food which looks too much like how it started out (see Q.35).

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?

I hope so.

27. What do you wear to bed?

Skin and a tired expression.

28. Been caught stealing?

No. I've always made sure of getting away with it.

29. What shoe size do you have?

8 (broad fitting).

30. Do you truly hate anyone?

Life's too short. Doesn't stop me actively disliking some people, though. Why take the fun out of it?

31. Classic Rock or Rap?

If this is your idea of a choice...well, OK, classic rock. But no poodle perms, please.

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?

Winston Churchill. (Note: I may be lying with some of these answers)

33. Favourite song?

Look, I have enough trouble selecting 100 tracks every six months. Don't ask me something like that. Ask me in an hour's time and you'll get a different answer anyway.

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?

Yes. It's easier than singing behind it.

35. What food do you find disgusting?

I can't eat steak-and-kidney pudding. The kidneys look too much like what they are. Gherkins look too much like something else entirely (and my tastes don't run that way in either sense). My father liked piccalilli. It always turns my stomach just thinking about that, because the stuff looks far too much like someone has already eaten it.

36. Do you sing in the shower?

No, because I don't have a shower. I sing in the bath, though. Great acoustics, but it's difficult to sustain long notes in a recumbent position.

37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"?

Sorry, which government department did you say you were from?

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?

Of course! That's what they're there for. I'm confident that they do exactly the same to me, and good luck to us all, I say.

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly know?

Yes, and it's often easier, because you don't carry the sort of emotional or psychic baggage you have with someone you know well. On top of which, there are things you have to stand up about irrespective of who's copping it.

40. Have you ever been punched in the face?

Yes. D'ya wanna start somethin', pal!!?