This Is Not A
BLOG!
Date: 08/09/14
Overheard...
(Note: the following transcript has been reproduced by kind permission of the National Security Agency, Box 666, Bluffdale, Utah)
"Hello? Your Highness? Oh, good morning, sir, it's Muxloe here....your
assistant equerry, sir...no, Parminter's on sick leave, sir...oh,
nothing serious, sir...I'm pleased to say that he is on the mend,
although the doctors say that it could affect his riding for a
while...yes, His Highness your father was quite concerned when he found out...he
said that it was like déja bloody vu all over again, sir, you know what a
way he has with words...I was able to reassure him, sir, and said
it was the result of His Little Highness being a tad reckless
with his Stickle Bricks...I know, he can be a little scamp,
sometimes, can't he, sir?...Yes, just like his uncle...
"The thing is, sir, that I've been asked to pass on a message from
the Prime Minister...I'm afraid so, sir...he couldn't deliver it in
person due to being busy with Affairs Of State...in the Algarve, I
believe...no, sir, he didn't want to send it to you by e-mail...he
says that this isn't the sort of thing that we want getting out in
the Guardian next week...no, sir, he couldn't write it down
anywhere either...he said that it would be an embarrassment even if
the Public Record Office refused to release it until long after any
of us is dead, sir...he said that it would be the look of the
thing...
"Well, Your Highness may be aware that we've got something big going
on in Scotland at the moment...Scotland, sir...you know, where His Highness your
father has his ashram? Well, whilst we're absolutely confident that
the loyalty of Her Majesty your grandmother's subjects there is absolutely
beyond question, we still need to be absolutely pos that we get the
desired outcome...
"Yes, I know we've got all the best people on the job, sir, and the
media are all very strongly onside, but there are some clever and
determined agitators up there who are determined to be, how can I
put it?...unhelpful, sir...well, by going around spreading
misleading tales, sir...the wretches even go so far as to call it
'the truth'...I know, sir, they're quite shameless...we've tried to
prevent them getting anywhere with it, but they seem not to want to
play the game...they don't even have the decency to leave the
disseminating of information to the BBC, sir...
"Well, to get to the point Your Highness, the Prime Minister said
that just to make absolutely sure that we kept the natives content and in
their proper place, it would be helpful to have a Good News Story™
from Your Highness' family which they could break just a few
days before the vote, and...ah, you're way ahead of me, sir, as
always! I...yes, sorry sir...yes, sir, that's why I'm only the
assistant equerry...
"As the Prime Minister himself said, Their Highnesses your father
and step-mother are a bit past the age for that sort of thing, and
His Highness your brother...well, yes, I know that, sir, but he
isn't even married yet, so it would be a bit of a scandal, however
enlightened the subjects might be nowadays...yes, sir, I know that medical
science can do wonderful things in that regard, but there
would always be the doubt about the validity of the inheritance
there, wouldn't you say? So the Prime Minister has asked me most
respectfully to enquire whether Your Highnesses might be willing to
arrange...?
"I may be misremembering his exact words, sir, but I
don't recall him mentioning rabbits at all...
"Yes sir, I am aware that Her Highness had a somewhat uncomfortable
experience last time, but as ever we can reassure her that she will
receive the best medical attention that Her Majesty's loyal
subjects can provide...and the constant and solicitous attentions
of her ladies-in-waiting...however many buckets are required, sir,
of course...
"I appreciate the difficulty, sire, but...I beg your pardon? What,
still, sir? Even after a year? But aren't there exercises Her
Highness could...ah, I see sir...
"The trouble is, sir, that the Prime Minister is quite firm on the
need for A Big Royal Story in early September, and the only
plausible alternative has been rejected out of hand by Her Majesty,
even though it was most respectfully pointed out to her that His Highness your
grandfather is knocking on a bit, and that no-one lasts
forever...No, Your Highness, it didn't...she gave Mr. Carmichael
one of her Looks...
"Mr. Carmichael, sir...he's the Secretary of
State for Scotland, sir, apparently...Yes, sir...yes, she's
watching everything His Highness the Duke eats, sir.
"I'm afraid you don't really, sir...duty is often irksome, isn't it,
sir? Yes, Her Majesty your grandmother has given her warm approval to the
idea...His Highness your father has been sent the message in the care of a man with a cleft
stick, sir, so we may not get a reply from his sweat lodge before the end of the month,
but we are confident of his hearty agreement...
"May I convey your most gracious consent to the Prime Minister?
Thank you, Your Highness! Oh, and he did say that an announcement
in the second week of September would be absolutely tip-top, which
I'm afraid doesn't give Your Highnesses very much time..."
